Dreaming of Sentinels

* I can always tell when someone is lying. I can tell when they're standing too.
* Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.
* What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!
* Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.
* What's the coolest element in the periodic table? Ber-yllium
* I used to be afraid of speed bumps. I'm trying to get over it.

* A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
* How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
* What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
* Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
* A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
* How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
* I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
* What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
* What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
* Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it's just water.
* What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
* Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
* Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
* What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.
* Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.
* I can always tell when someone is lying. I can tell when they're standing too.
* Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.
* What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!
* Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.

Jokes

* Why did the snail paint a giant S on his car? So when he drove by, people could say: “Look at that S car go!”
* What subject do cats like best in school? Hiss-tory.
* Why can't you make a dinosaur omelet? Because they're egg-stinct.
* How many goats does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to goat them into it.
* Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.
* When does a hippo have a tusk? After some rhino-plasty.

Jokes

* What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.
* Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
* What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? "Dill me in!"
* How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
* Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

Jokes

* Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
* Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
* Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!
* Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? It’s a little meteor.
* How much do rainbows weigh? Not much. They’re actually pretty light.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”

What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.

Jokes


If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.

The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they’ll never expect it back.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

Jokes


Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Jokes

* This is my step-ladder… I never knew my real ladder.
* I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.
* I was going to take a bath… But then decided I was going to leave it where it was.
* A bossy man walked into a bar… And ordered everyone a round.

Jokes

* Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.
* What do you call a patronizing bear? A pan-duh.

* Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
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* Why didn't the skeleton ever go on dates? He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.
* Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
* Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? He's a bit of a pain in the neck.