Dreaming of Sentinels

Jokes

* Why did the crab cross the road? It didn’t—it used the sidewalk.
* What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
* What is the most popular fish in the ocean? The starfish.
* What’s the difference between ducks and dine-and-dashers? Ducks take care of their bills.
* I found a lion in my closet the other day! When I asked what it was doing there, it said “Narnia business.”
* What's the difference in an alligator and a crocodile? You’ll see one later and one in a while.
* I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

Jokes

* A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
* Why did the football coach yell at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back!
* What kind of job can you get at a bicycle factory? A spokesperson
* What does a condiment wizard perform? Saucery
* What's the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls? Their seasoning.

Jokes

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the 9

You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.

Jokes

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide now reads: "My Salary."

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying work.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.

Jokes

Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

When dogs go to sleep, they read bite-time stories before bed.

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Dogs hate driving because they can never find a barking space.

Jokes

* Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.
* What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a keyboard? The space bar.
* Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
* Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? They dribble all the time.
* Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Jokes

* What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.
* What do you call a skeleton with only a head? A nobody.
* What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's very heavy, and the other’s a little lighter.


This last one made me LOL.

Jokes

* What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
* Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil? Because it's point-less.
* What did the policeman say to his nipple? You're under a vest.
* Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.
* Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.

Jokes

* Where do horses live? In neighhhhhbourhoods.
* What do you call a goat who paints pictures? Vincent Van Goat!
* Why are mice afraid of swimming? Catfish!
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* What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? A-Dell.
* When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
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* What do toilets do when they're embarrassed? They get a bit flush.
* How do you organize a space-themed party? You planet.