Dreaming of Sentinels

These are from Steven Wright. I loved him.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time

These ones are from someone else.

1. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

2. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

3. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

5. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.